I am Amanda K. I am forty three years old. Naturopathic nutritionist and single mother of two boys. We moved to France from England when I was thirty five and they were young, just starting school. We had left the family home and moved country and into a very difficult situation with a disturbed family and an abusive relationship. I arrived to try help them but it backfired on me. The situation became increasingly difficult and then I became financially trapped in the situation. I tried to make the best of it for the sake of my two children until I could leave. Instead, I fell into a deep depression and began drinking alcohol every day to numb the emotional pain. This whirlwind consumed me for some time, until my experience with shamanism.
I had previously not been a drinker at all. In fact, I spent seven years of my adult life raising my babies and toddlers without drinking alcohol at all. Suddenly, however, I fell into the alcohol dependency trap. I slowly managed to work my way out of the relationship. In the end the abusive partner left the family home with his children, leaving me and my boys finally free. I had failed to stop drinking with my ex-partner but I stopped drinking when he left cold turkey. It was not easy but I found online support groups and read the work of Dr Gabor Maté. He is a Canadian physician and psychologist who specialises in addictions.
I read ‘In the realm of the hungry ghosts’ and I learned that being raised by my narcissistic parents had left me vulnerable to narcissistic partners and addictions. My training began in my second bachelor’s degree for four years as a naturopath. Around that time I learned through Dr Maté about the healing power of Ayahuasca. I wanted to face demons and heal for my children so I booked into The Temple of The Way of Light near Iquitos, Peru.
I was very nervous, knowing this kind of self work is not for the faint-hearted. Though I had researched Ayahuasca thoroughly and I knew that I was not going to work with a ‘drug’, that this was medicine for the body, soul and spirit. I just let go of all expectations, I couldn’t let go of all my fears but I trusted the process and I knew that I needed to face myself or I would never let go of the demons that drove me to drink and to get into such a bad situation in life in the first place.
There is a much research into Ayahuasca as psychedelic therapy with impressive results for addictions, depression and anxiety. The Shamans from the Shipibo tribe conducted the ceremonies. The retreat itself includes a detox from electronics, toxic food, the outside world/news/culture, sex, drugs and alcohol. It was a full respite for mind, body and soul.
We learned it was essential to enter the work with Ayahuasca with an intention. In fact, in order to experience shamanism, you need to have a inner drive to heal. As a result, they encouraged participants to speak that in group work prior to each ceremony. Some of my intentions were to ask the medicine to show me my anger, my shame, my guilt and my fears. It was scary to know that I was allowing myself to go into the places I had tried to avoid. I was ready and I knew that this was my warrior’s path, my hero’s journey and so I faced my demons.
Some ceremonial experiences were terrifying, demons clawing inside my mind. Intense nausea. Shaking violently from head to toe. I held on to my awareness and remembered that nothing could happen to the core, intrinsic me. I knew I was not my thoughts. Some of the experiences were beautiful, I saw myself as a golden goddess inside and that the snake was my spirit animal, the animal of knowledge.
I found a way to get in touch with compassion and self-love, the medicine showed me that I had punished myself enough for, as I saw it, wasting so many years being trapped and not being the Mum I had wanted to be for my children. The medicine told me I was already forgiven and could move on now and be present for my kids. It was like several years of baggage evaporated off my shoulders. People would tell me later that my expression changed to pure and open. I felt purified and cleansed and so, so grateful for the opportunity at another chance.
Shamanism is not for everyone but if you feel the calling and you have the courage and commitment to genuine preparation and integrating the wisdom you receive, then this transformative experience could change your life.
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