I’m Nora and I’m 26 years old. I’m an independent book publisher, poet, bookbinder, editor, farmer, beekeeper, and carpenter! Most of the time I’m bubbly and personable. I am grateful to have three sisters, a darling dog named Aurora, and a community I can count on. I’ve had my share of challenges and tragedies, but until college, I felt pretty well adjusted. But like too many people, I graduated with my bachelor’s degree, along with an alcohol dependency and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). As I will share, I had a traumatic sexual assault experience which I eventually learned how to cope with through EMDR.
During my junior year of college, I was sexually assaulted by a group of men. It destroyed me. Like many survivors, I tried to convince myself that others had it much worse. I felt guilty for being so upset. I’ve always been the type of person who’s quick to comfort others, but somehow doesn’t have any compassion left for myself.
I needed help, friends, and a therapist. But I was afraid of admitting just how much help I needed, so I took what I could get: booze.
As I’m sure you can guess, this was incredibly destructive. Thankfully, I realized this pretty quickly, but it still took me several years to get (and stay) sober. I found other healthier coping skills: farming, writing, attending therapy, and spending time with friends, but even still, my anxiety controlled me.
I couldn’t go to the grocery store without having a panic attack. I purposefully chose jobs where I didn’t have male coworkers. Whenever I entered a room, I’d note all the exits. If there wasn’t a corner seat available, I’d leave. I slept fitfully, with a knife by my pillow. I thought I saw my attackers everywhere.
In short, I was a bundle of nerves, rage, and fear.
I moved in with my parents at the beginning of the pandemic. This of course came with challenges, but it also gave me the chance to slow down and recoup. I started taking anti-anxiety meds. This helped, but I needed a therapist. (I hadn’t had one since college). Thankfully I found one who practiced EMDR, a practice my previous therapist had recommended.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a therapy for people struggling with traumatic memories. Normally, memories are processed during our REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep cycles, but traumatic memories stay in our limbic system. Our limbic system accounts for our biological response to fear. This is why people with PTSD experience “triggers,” as the memories still feel very present. EMDR mimics our REM sleep cycles so we can consciously reprocess our memories, and thus, move them out of our limbic system.
The REM sleep cycle can be mimicked through buzzers or eye exercises, which are used in conjunction with talk therapy. My therapist used buzzers, and I chose to place these buzzers under my thighs. At the beginning of each session, she would adjust the buzzers so they operated at an intensity and frequency that felt manageable. The faster and more intense the buzzing, the more urgency I felt in my memory recall.
At the beginning of each session, I identified a negative thought pattern, such as: “I cannot trust myself” or “I am not safe.” Then I identified a healthier thought pattern I’d like to believe instead, such as: “I can learn to trust my own judgment” or “I am safe now.” The EMDR sessions helped me reframe unconscious triggers born out of my sexual assault experience.
I would then call up the traumatic memory, in the context of the negative thought pattern, and “follow” it. My therapist asked guiding questions so I could explore the nuances of each trigger. Gradually, this helped move my traumatic memories out of my limbic system.
EMDR transformed my life. I began to feel real progress after a handful of sessions, and after a year of weekly appointments, my triggers no longer control me.
About six months into receiving EMDR treatments, I started dating again. Something I thought would take many more years. Before receiving EMDR, I couldn’t imagine ever wanting a physical relationship. Now I’m happily dating. This has a lot to do with having an incredible partner, but I also know that without EMDR, I never would have trusted him, or myself, enough to enter the relationship.
Trauma never leaves you completely, but through EMDR, I was able to reclaim feelings of autonomy and safety. Before receiving treatments, I felt intimidated by EMDR, let alone by sexual assault experience itself. I couldn’t find a clear explanation of what it was or how it worked. I’m so glad I decided to try it regardless. If, like me, you are wrestling with traumatic memories and feel controlled by triggers, I sincerely recommend trying this therapy.
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