I’m Hayley, I’m currently 28 and living in New Zealand. I live a great life, I work for myself doing what I love and feel peace, love and joy in my daily life. However, it was not always like this. In 2016 at the age of 22 I went to the lowest point mentally. I had broken up with my boyfriend and fell into a deep depression. As you will see later, getting out of my depression was hard, until I found meditation.
At the time I had to stop working. I was a personal trainer but eventually I couldn’t serve my clients in the way they deserved. I had moved into my dad’s home post breakup, however the grief I was experiencing wasn’t allowed or accepted there. Hence, I had to find somewhere else to live where I could try heal this pain. I started living in a small sleepout at the back of a women’s property, with my cat. The doctors gave me antidepressants to take but it didn’t heal the root issue or the pain I was in.
I felt hurt, rejected and did not know how to cope. I got to the point where I did not want to live any longer. There was so much pain in my heart and my mind was constantly thinking negative thoughts and replaying past events. My mind was so loud, I did not know if I was going to get through another day. I felt stuck and like I couldn’t escape the mental, emotional and physical pain that was arising within me.
There was a moment when I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I cried out to God / Source / Divine saying “If you really exist then I need you to help me now!”. Not sure if there was some higher power watching over me I had no other choice but to cry out for help, hoping that someone or something would hear my call. I lay on the floor and completely surrendered. No more fighting or resisting what was and completely surrendered. I could not fight back any longer, I allowed myself to just be.
I had never done anything like that before. The surrendering, the letting go, the being in a state of pure presence with what was and being receptive for whatever was in my highest good to support me. Looking back I felt that I had no other choice but to let go completely and surrender to the unknown. Little did I know that a huge shift was occurring within my consciousness from this. I did not know that this state of letting go would be a form of meditation that would open me up for healing and transformation.
I can’t remember if it was the next day or after, I felt guided to go sit and meditate. Never before had I done any meditation prior to that moment when I surrendered during that time of suffering, not knowing if I could live one more day. So I began to meditate. I sat on my bed with my back against the wall and closed my eyes. My mind was racing but I focused on my breath, noticing the inhale and exhale. Before I knew it my mind had quieted down and for the first time in a long time! I felt so much peace and unconditional love!
I had never tapped into such a beautiful state before, I did not know it was possible to. Tapping into who I truly was beyond the egoistic structure of the mind. I had the understanding that I was so much more than a physical body, the emotions and the experiences I had been through. I realized that I was a multidimensional being of Love and I was the consciousness or loving awareness that was streaming through this body.
The antidepressants were there to numb the pain and ease depression symptoms and bypass what I was going through, but it was through meditation where I healed the root cause of my suffering. It was through the remembering and reconnection with my true self that I got through meditation that alchemized and transformed the darkness into light. This experience changed my life. I not only calmed my busy mind, felt the pain in my heart dissipate but had a complete shift in consciousness.
It was like I was seeing the world through new eyes! I became very present, seeing the beauty everywhere and feeling so much bliss and love while also being able to have forgiveness for the past and feel acceptance for what was. From that day I created a daily meditation practice. Some days I meditated once, some days more. I tried different types of meditation. Meditation completely transformed my life and got me in touch with my true self. Most days I feel so much peace, love and joy and I know I can get through any challenge that comes my way.
Meditation can support us on all levels of our being, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. It can support us in those challenging times but also benefits us greatly in every day life. Whether we feel anxious, stressed or nervous we can take a pause and breathe and go within and bring about a sense of calm. Meditation was instrumental for me to get a grip on my life as I was grappling with depression.
We can also meditate to get in touch with who we truly are and expand our awareness. Meditation can be a tool that enables us to heal, to process emotions and more. We don’t need anything outside of us to meditate, it just requires a willingness for us to be in stillness for a moment. Meditation is a great gift that we all can utilize no matter what we are going through in our life.
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